I'm sure you are all waiting impatiently (as am I) for your next issue of Anthropology & Archeology Today. The March issue will contain an article about the recent discovery in Lewisville, Texas....Yes, LEWISVILLE, TEXAS!....of the world's original jello salad.On or about January 28, upon receiving my lunch tray, I was puzzled by a green and orange substance in a disposable cup. This green was so intense, so luminous, it was able to penetrate my morphine laced brain and I immediately realized a potentially dangerous situation.
Responding to the call button, the nurse entered the room, gawked at the offending substance, and immediately backed out the door. "I'll call someone," she stammered. Realizing she had most likely fled the vicinity, I called Homeland Security and the CDC. Upon hearing a description of the green and orange material, and realizing the potential for an epidemic in a large metropolitan area, the DHS and the CDC dispatched specialists in full hazmat gear who arrived in only two days. Upon their arrival, the material was placed in an hermetically controlled chamber. I didn't have the heart to tell them I had already poked it with my fork. After checking carefully for radiation and biological contaminants, the offending substance was placed in an airtight container and moved under armed guard to the Jeffersonian Institute in Washington, D.C., where Bones and her lab rats could study the ancient artifact.Although easily identified as green jello with a petrified apricot floating in it, and carbon dating placing its origins in 2376 BC, questions remain. How did this ancient jello salad find its way to Lewsiville Medical Center? How did an apricot, which was first cultivated in China in 3000 BC, combine with green jello which was first served at a Peruvian childcare center in 2820 BC? These and other pertinent questions may be answered in March's Anthropology & Archeology Today. We need these answers. Without them, we may soon be dealing with the original Mystery Meatloaf appearing at the corner laundromat.
